Now I have a new problem: there’s not enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do! I love it! On January 1^st, I pledged to do at least 30 minutes of exercise for the entire month. I also added vitamin D and Omega 3-6-9 supplements daily. I opted not to start the medication prescribed by the doctor until I had tried my natural approach to systemic healing. I’m so flippin’ glad I took this approach because I can say with certainty that it is not the medication that has improved my depression – it has been physical exercise and supplement s for the vitamins and minerals my body is lacking.

My February challenge is to eat a paleo-type diet, like our ancestors did. For 2 million years, they ate what they could hunt or gather, and as far as I know, didn’t have near the health problems we have now. I think it’s insane that 60% of Americans are obese or overweight. I think it’s insane that we make ourselves fat, and then go to the doctor for medication to make us less likely to keel over as a result of our poor health. I felt the same about depression. I think it’s crazy that depression is an epidemic. In my gut, I believe we’re doing it to ourselves. The obvious fact had to be pointed out to me that our ancestors of a few generations ago (pre-modernization) did not suffer the way we do from heart disease, cancer, obesity, depression and diabetes. Why not? What changed? Why, with all our amazing scientific and technological progress, are we worse off than before?  I want to know.

To test the theory that the food I’m eating is making me sick, I elected to have February’s challenge be to eat only whole foods. Nothing processed with added chemicals and preservatives. No sugar, no flour, no dairy. (The thought behind ‘no dairy’ was kind of cute. The book that served as my beacon for this month said it wasn’t likely that our ancestors captured a wild animal and milked it, so this was not likely a part of our original diet. I thought that was a pretty funny picture to paint.) The results so far: I’ve eaten as much of the allowable things as I’ve wanted, when I’ve wanted, and I lost 6 pounds. What those 6 pounds were, fat, waste build-up or water,  I don’t know.  But that seems pretty significant to me. I’m not dieting at all. In fact, I made a protein-style “In-and-Out” type burger (patty wrapped in lettuce vs. a bun) and it was delicious! My energy level is way up and my mind is firing on all four cylinders. There’s not enough hours in the day to do all that I want to do… Crazy good problem to have!

I’ve never thought to question the stuff offered to me for consumption. If it looked good in the store or on TV commercials, I bought it. But, in my search for getting better without popping a little magic pill, I stumbled on to a new set of ideas. It’s exciting and challenging, and so far, very rewarding. Hot damn, I think I’m on to something!

I feel really proud for sticking to my commitment of at least 30 minutes of exercise for the month of January (so far). I also feel better physically and mentally. Since I started taking Vitamin D and Omega 3 supplements, I’ve noticed a marked improvement to my mood and ability to concentrate. I picked up a prescription for generic Celexa but I think I’m going to wait to start taking it. I think I’m on to something here…

The idea of taking a pill to fix my depression feels like trying to dig up a tree by pulling off its leaves. I really believe I’ve done something to create the imbalance – poor diet, lack of physical movement, negative thinking – or a combination of all three. It surely takes less effort to take a pill, but it doesn’t feel like I’m taking responsibility for my health. The possible side-effects are awful! Why would I voluntarily subject myself to those often dangerous side-effects without first trying to sniff out and eliminate the root cause? If I try this new approach and it fails to yield results, I may decide the anti-depressant is the way to go again.

So, for February, as much as I’m scared to commit to it, I’m going to change my diet to one I’ve heard is more healthful and does well to end depression (as well as heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, excess weight or obesity and a host of other illnesses, allegedly) In my mind I’m screaming “no, don’t say you’re going to do that!” It’s a LOT of work. I really don’t know if I can do it. I’ve got a cook book to follow, but I’m not a very good cook! It says the recipes are simple, but any recipe for a non-cook is not simple! Plus, I don’t actually ‘enjoy’ cooking.  It’ll require me to give up processed foods, flours, most starchy vegetables and sugar for all but three meals a week. That eliminates nearly everything in my kitchen! Oh, am I nervous! That little pill would be sooo much easier! And to avoid making more than one dinner a night, I have to make it palatable for my family too.

This is a HUGE undertaking for me. The amount of time it’s going to take to meal plan and cook feels daunting. I’m a typical American that has gotten accustomed to fast and easy eating. But, I can do anything for a month, right? The possible benefit, the payoff, of feeling well is enough to motivate me to make the extra effort. If you’re curious about my motivation, check out this article.

I have depression.

There, I said it. Gulp! (Long pause, while I consider if this is a good idea or not…)

My head is spinning with so much stuff that I just want to pretend we’re sitting together on my couch and you’re letting me vent unrelentingly. Can we pretend that for a minute?

Here’s the skinny. I’ve had depression since I was about 12. I didn’t know it until I was in my early 20’s, but my bouts of isolation, deep sadness and suicidal thoughts weren’t normal. I had this weird belief that it was God’s way of punishing me for being ‘bad’ somehow, and so I accepted it. In my early recovery from drug addiction and alcoholism (going on 23 years now), one of my sponsors suggested that I might have ‘depression’ and should see a doctor. I actually thought she was wrong at the time, but doctor I saw agreed with her. I started on a medication and things improved. I wish I could say “And I lived happily ever after”, but that’s not how the story goes. I won’t go into long, drawn out details since we aren’t really on my couch and it’s not a very good story anyhow.

Bottom line: I’ve had good years and bad. In the bad times, I can’t remember ever feeling good. In the good times, I can’t imagine how I ever got depressed.

When I’m in a bout of depression l can’t think straight and I feel like I’m “broken” somehow. I constantly feel ashamed for having this ugly “weakness”. I tell myself that I should be stronger and just shake it off, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I’m afraid having depression will be used against me. I think that you must see me how I see myself and that ain’t good! There’s no way in hell I’m lovable. I isolate and berate myself. Obviously, it’s not a pretty scene in my head during these times. Logically (one of my guiding words for 2012,) I know the above thinking is crap, but in the throes of my depression, you can’t convince me of that.

I chose ‘exercise’ in the first month of my 12 in 12 game and so far, I have 11 successful days under my belt! This choice had more to do with treating my depression than losing weight or gaining fitness. I’m trying to accept this as an illness and self-treat by disciplining my mind, eating better and exercising. I’m also starting to take vitamin D and Omega 3. I’m scared of the side effects and expense of the various antidepressant medications, but I might just need to go that route again as well. The biggest driving force is my daughter and my desire to be her best mother. I’m missing out on a living a fulfilling life and that’s just not acceptable to me today.

So, there. I’ve said it. I have depression. I’ve been sick with it for a while now, and I would really like to be well again.

I want to reach new heights this year and I realize I can’t do it with this “secret” weighing me down. I got sober by asking for support and sharing my experiences openly. That’s the one “treatment” I haven’t tried for depression because of my shame around it. It’s time to try it out.

1) Keep kitchen clean.

2) Exercise 30 minutes

3) Meditate

4) Yoga

5) Keep my room clean and make my bed

6) Call a friend to chat

7) Go to a meeting

8) Journal

9) Organize something of mine (car, files, garage, etc)

10) 10th Step

11) Read

12) Write a letter for Alyssa to read when she gets older

13) Take vitamins

14) Drink 8 8 oz glasses of water

15) Do the writing/thinking exercises in 40 Days 40 Nights book.

I have to pull the trigger on one of these TODAY, and I’ll pick the order of the others in the next couple of days. The idea for me is to START, and then STICK TO IT for 30 DAYS at a time. Why I share these things publicly eludes me. Accountability? Nah. Misery loves company? Perhaps. Because I feel better when I express myself? More likely. I risk egg on my face, which I’ve had plenty of before, but maybe sharing for real will help me reconnect more deeply with my friends. I do miss that. (Hence numbers 6 and 7).

I’d love to have folks join me! Meet me here and we can chat about our experiences. https://plus.google.com/i/pwAzQTx02vo:hNGUy8MxdBo

Happy New Year!

Sandra